The Elite Critics New Groove
by beastlycharizard13
Summary: After every "food critic" was given the elite badge, the plan to serve them disgusting food flavorings, dressings, and sauces thrives quite well and the critics themselves never suspect a thing. Set after the new episode "You're Not Yelping" Spoilers for those who haven't seen it. Not part of RFSP. If the ending disgusted you, I recommend you don't read this. You have been warned.


The Elite Critics New Groove

 **A/N: Oh my god, tonight's episode, "You're Not Yelping", was absolutely HILARIOUS! That's two 10/10 episodes in a row! "The City Part Of Town" was perfect in a tug-at-your-heartstring-ending kind of way, but this one was perfect in a downright-couldn't-have-asked-for-a-more-hilarious-ending kind of way! Seriously, if you missed it, you really missed something!**

 **I was also pretty amazed that Maggie Yates made a return since her only other appearance was 11 1/2 years ago in Season 8's "The Jeffersons"**

 **But anyways, it's time for this week's one-shot! And just like the one-shots for the first three episodes this season, this story is not part of my RFSP series.**

 **P.S. Trey and Matt, if you are reading this, congrats on another perfect episode and thank you guys so much for that perfectly awesome ending! And did you know that I was recently elected the position of Yelper Elite? :D Just kidding! :P**

* * *

"Oh and did I mention that I am a Yelper Elite?"

This was the sentence that Cartman wanted to emphasize on the most the next time he went to one of South Park's many new restaurants in the new "Ct Pa Town" area. Cartman, as had every other Yelp reviewer that loved having their ass kissed by restaurant owners, had recently been given this "prestigious" title as part of Kyle and David's plan to get back at them.

"So…you're the Yelper Elite are you?" the waiter replied with a big smirk on his face.

"That's right, so better have that special dressing on my food! Cho chop!"

The waiter jotted down Cartman's order on his notepad and walked back into the kitchen.

"Alright everyone! We got ourselves another one of those miserable little shits! You know the drill!" he chuckled evilly as he gave the head chef Cartman's order.

* * *

Several minutes later the waiter walked back over to Cartman's table and gave him his food; which consisted of a twelve ounce ribeye steak with a new "slimy gravy" sauce added on top of it. Cartman eagerly cut off a piece of steak with the sauce on it and ate it. He chewed for a while and instantly loved the special flavoring that had been done for him.

"Oh wow, I really like this sauce, what did you say it was called?"

"Slimy Gravy." The waiter flashed a smug grin. "But we only make it for you, you know! You're the one and only Yelper Elite!"

"It tastes really awesome; can I have a to-go order of that sauce?"

"You certainly can!" the waiter walked back to the kitchen and whispered under his breath: "Enjoy the chef's boogers and cum you self-absorbed asshole Yelpers!"

* * *

Later that afternoon at the Broflovski residence, Gerald was busily typing away at his computer, giving an overly-detailed review of his experience at City Wok from just half an hour ago since he went there for lunch.

"And so the kind owner greeted me as I walked in and he instantly noticed my Yelper Elite badge the moment I arrived." Gerald read his review aloud as he typed it. "He said 'Welcome to City Wok, can I take your order please?' once I got closer to the counter. He informed me that today was the launch day of his new dish exclusively for the town's only Yelper Elite, which would be me of course. He called it 'Sheety Sheety Sheety Beef.' When I asked how it differed from the regular City Beef, he told me that he had added a special flavoring to the new innovation."

Gerald leaned back a little and admired what he had so far when Sheila walked by the room accompanied by Ike; who was dressed up like a pirate.

"Gerald!" Sheila alerted her husband who refused to look away from his computer screen. "Ike was thinking of running away to Somalia again, what do you think?"

"Huh?" Gerald uttered, still not looking away from the screen. "Oh yeah, that's fine."

Sheila rolled her eyes as she and Ike went the opposite direction; having failed yet again to get Gerald's attention away from his online restaurant reviews.

Gerald continued to type.

"And so I ordered the new 'City City City Beef', and waited patiently at my table. While I waited, I noticed that the owner had certainly tidied up the place a little bit since my last visit just two days ago. I only spotted a mere three crumbs on the floor, if even that. At one point, I got up to use the bathroom and I immediately took in the pleasing aromatic aroma of Chinese wisteria. I looked around a little bit and I found the source of the smell. It turns out that the owner had installed new air fresheners in the men's bathroom and I was quite delighted."

"A few minutes after I sat back down, my food had arrived. I couldn't help but feel that my food smelled a bit gruesome, but I quickly shoved those thoughts aside. When I inquired as to what this 'special flavoring' on the City City City Beef was, the owner gave a smile so big, he must have been extremely proud of his new dish. And I think the narrowing of his eyebrows that accompanied his wide smile only suggested that he was eager for me to try his new masterpiece. He went on to tell me that the flavoring was made from the finest pieces of 'special chocolate', as he put it, that he got from his dearest friends, the local Mongolians. At first, I was surprised that anybody would add chocolate to Chinese food, but I found it to be a very unique move on his part, and I do enjoy the unique. I eagerly bit into it and immediately noticed the presence of that chocolatey taste. And why, I could dare say that it tasted like he had picked this chocolate from the freshest cacao seeds he could get from the Mongolians."

"But even with only three crumbs, it was three crumbs too many. 4.7 stars."

* * *

"I did it Maggie!" Sargent Yates said to his wife as he walked in the door. "I'm the town's one and only Yelper Elite!" Yates displayed his shiny new badge.

"Oh Harrison, I knew you could do it! That's wonderful!" his wife Maggie responded.

"Damn right I did! I'm the kind of person that my fellow Yelpers need to lead us, and the mayor herself recognizes that. What say we go to that new Mexican place downtown? I bet I can get them to give us that special seasoning I've heard so much about."

* * *

Several minutes later, Harrison and Maggie Yates had been seated at the best table in the new Mexican restaurant. David walked by with his cleaning supplies at one point.

"Hey kid!" Sargent Yates called out to him as he passed their table.

"Yes?"

"Can you clean our table up a little more? It looks kind of dirty."

David flashed a quick but wicked grin that neither adult noticed. "Why sure, if you could just stand over there for a minute."

Once they got up and were looking the other way, David took out a different spray bottle labeled "Dog Piss" and went about spraying the table with it; making sure to get every last spot.

"Thank you for your patience. We apologize for the inconvenience." David told the Yates' as they sat back down, completely unaware of what he had done.

A little while later, David's father brought their food out. Harrison and Maggie had both ordered the Enchilada Supreme and had requested the new seasoning be applied to their meals after he flashed David's father his Yelper Elite badge. What they didn't know is that this new "seasoning" was made up entirely of rancid olive oil that David himself had urinated on. David's father simply passed it off as lemon juice.

* * *

Kyle and the new kid David were busy telling Stan and Kenny the plan they had made to get back at the Yelpers, namely Cartman. Kyle couldn't stop laughing, knowing that Cartman had been indulging in urine, saliva, and other bodily substances that were secretly embedded in his food and he didn't even know it.

"That stupid fat ass finally got what was coming to him!" Kyle joyfully and victoriously remarked his victory.

David was no stranger to Kyle's newfound happiness. "The next time that jack ass asks me if I ride my little bicicleta to school, I'll make sure he the fur of an infected rat goes in his next burrito!"

Stan and Kenny on the other hand, while just as amused, were pretty grossed out.

"But do we really need to go this far?" Kenny muffled the question through his parka.

"Yeah, I mean, Cartman certainly deserves it for getting Whistlin' Willy's shut down, even though it's reopened since, but does everyone else need to get this gross punishment?" Stan asked.

"Dude, they were being led by CARTMAN…or so Cartman thought anyways." Kyle replied.

"So you're really not the LEAST bit guilty that you're also doing this to your DAD?" Stan asked.

"Of course I am Stan!" Kyle replied. "But I'm not the one that's actually performing the act of blowing my nose on his steak! Besides, don't you want to see Cartman finally get what was coming to him?"

Stan and Kenny began chuckling too. "Is Cartman fat? Damn right I do!"

* * *

 **A/N: I'm sorry if that was a little disgusting, but I just had to write this after seeing the ending of the episode.**

 **I said two weeks ago that "The City Part Of Town" should win an Emmy, and it definitely should. But if it doesn't, then "You're Not Yelping" is definitely my second choice. :)**

 **All reviews are very much appreciated! Even if you're a Yelper! :D**


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